God may be a lot of things, but one thing He’s NOT is closed minded. He’ll listen to ideas all day long, not so much to find the next great idea, but rather to marvel at the breathtaking stupidity of the humans and His staff.
“I’ve found a girl who should be spared.” Michael said. “She has some sort of light, some ‘goodness’.”
“SHELLY BLOOM IS NO MORE ‘GOOD’ THAN THE MILLIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’D GIVE HER SPECIAL TREATMENT?” asked God.
“YOU’RE MISSING THE BIG PICTURE HERE. I PUT HUMANS IN CHARGE AND THEY’VE MADE A MESS OF IT. WHY SHOULD I, THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY, PUT UP WITH WAR? POLLUTION? THE KARDASHIANS? ENOUGH ALREADY! BLOW ‘EM UP!”
“I will! But… what about Shelly? Can’t I bring her back with me to higher Heaven?” Michael asked meekly.
God rolled His eyes. He knew what the light was Michael had seen, but Michael needed to learn for himself. And some people can only learn things the hard way.
“VERY WELL. IF YOU CAN CONVINCE SHELLY BLOOM THAT HER LOVE BELONGS TO YOU, YOU CAN BRING HER BACK. BUT! YOU CANNOT TELL HER YOU’RE AN ANGEL! SHE MUST FALL FOR YOU, FOR REAL. NO TRICKS!”
And with that, God hung up.
Back on. Find weapons of mass destruction; send them to the Earth’s core, then KA-BLAMIE! Everyone dies.
That’s the new deal!
Michael left P.H. and raced back to the trailer where he told his roomies his plan. The only problem was this: Where does a guy get W.M.D.’s?
“You should go to Texas. George W. Bush can help.” said B.L.Z. “If anybody can find W.M.D.’s, it’s him!”
“So you’ve got no problem blowing everybody up, huh” Gabe asked, “as long as you get what YOU want?”
“Look,” said Michael, “this is God’s will. I’m just the delivery boy. Besides, you were all gonna die anyway.”
“Sometimes God tests us, ya know.” Gabe replied. “Sometimes we’re supposed to think for ourselves.”
“Ha-ha-ha-ha… good one” said Michael. “Now, how do I get to Texas?”
“Before you get too anxious, you might wanna check in with Shelly,” said B.L.Z. “If you strike out with her, you’ll never see her again… at least not for a few thousand years.”
Hmmm… B.L.Z. Bub was right. First he will need to win over Shelly, and then he can kill everyone and everything.
Michael went to the Cove restaurant. “Looking for Shelly?” asked a woman’s voice.
Michael turned and saw a middle aged, attractive woman with kind eyes. “I’m Mary,” she said, “Shelly’s mom.”
Mary’s intuition was keen, and she was wise like a mom. She could see that Michael was infatuated… maybe even in love with her daughter. He wasn’t the first boy to hang around the restaurant, hoping to get some quality time with Shelly.
But as they chit-chatted, Michael’s attention was on something else — the light that emitted from Mary. It was like her aura was radiant, and filling the entire space — (if you believe in all that). Mary was such a beautiful spirit that Michael felt kinda creepy admiring it.
“This is terrible,” Michael thought. “Why should she be obliterated? Why do I have to do this terrible deed?”
Just then Michael saw Mo flirting with a 16 year old boy from his school. “Oh yeah. That’s why.”
Just then, Michael’s attention was snapped back to Mary when he heard her say, “Did you talk to Shel about it?”
About what? Michael had been conversing on auto-pilot and now wasn’t sure what he’d said.
“I know she was dating a boy, but I think that’s over.” said Mary. “What did she say to you?”
“Ah. Oh, well. She said I had to be from school… which I am!” Michael said. “And then she said… “
He mumbled something that Mary couldn’t hear.
“She said she wanted to be ‘just friends’.”
A long, deathly silence followed.
Mary was only human, but she knew the basic laws of the universe. If her daughter had relegated Mike to ‘the friend zone,’ the most humane thing she could advise was to abandon all hope.
“So! You finally showed up.” said a sweet, feminine voice.
Michael turned to find Shelly dropping off a tray of dirty dishes.
“I saw you at school.” Shelly continued. “Why didn’t you say ‘hi’?”
Ah-ha! The nodding and running had worked. Well played, Michael thought to himself.
When Shelly took her break, and she and Mike got a private booth and talked. Mike managed to be charming enough to get Shelly to giggle. At one point, while telling a story, Shel put her hand on Mike’s arm where it lingered for more than a “just friends” moment.
At the end of the “date” (if that’s what you wanna call it), Michael was feeling pretty confident. A few more dates like that and he’d ask her to be his girl.
The new deal was going to work.
At least that’s what Michael thought, until he saw something that was doomed to be a game-changer.
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