Hippies will do just about anything to piss you off. Even though they’re all in their twilight years, causing problems for “the man” is still, apparently, in their blood.
Paradise Cove in Malibu, California is NOT a nude beach, but on this day the hippies had taken over. They decided to break the law, relive the old “Woodstock” glory days, and play Adam and Eve, pre-fall. It was not a pretty sight.
“These poor dumb saps get dumped on all through childhood.” Michael thought as he surveyed the scene. “Then they slave away at some crappy job. Then they wind up looking like this.”
Michael’s ambivalence toward the humans gave way to small wave of pity. But he was not swayed. “They need to be put out of their misery.” Mike thought. “My mission is a mission of mercy.”
That’s when Michael first realized he had problem.
He’d left in such a rush that he totally forgot to ask; HOW does one destroy a planet? Though he loved the idea of killing everybody, mass destruction wasn’t his strong suit, and he was absent the day they taught “Basic Armageddon.”
So he decided to ask God for help. “God?” Michael prayed.
“HELLO,” said God.
“It’s me, Michael. Listen, I’m in Malibu, but I forgot to bring any weapons of mass destruction …”
“HA-HA-HA. FOOLED YOU. SORRY I MISSED YOUR CALL. I’M EITHER OUT OF THE HOUSE OR SCREENING. BUT, IF YOU LEAVE A MESSAGE, I’LL GRANT YOUR WISH … OR NOT. IT’S TOTALLY UP TO ME. HA-HA-HA. OKAY. CIAO.”
Mike didn’t leave a message. What’s the point? He’d just do what a human would do; figure it out for himself.
As Michael walked, he realized the nude seniors were eyeing him. Was it because he was the only one wearing clothes?
Michael looked down … nope that wasn’t it. Because Michael WASN’T wearing clothes. Somehow, in the space/time travel from Heaven to Paradise Cove, all of Michael’s clothes had disintegrated.
So there he was, in all his glory, naked as a Wal-Mart mannequin on Black Friday. He was being ogled by the cougars, and glared at by the XY’s. Awkward!
Michael “borrowed” a beach towel lying on the sand (because stealing is a sin), wrapped it around himself, walked toward the restaurant, and continued to scheme.
The Earth’s core, Michael recalled, was made of iron and steel which floated in an ocean of piping hot magma.
All he had to do was get to the core, set off an atomic blast that would upset the magnetic fields which would cause all volcanoes to erupt simultaneously, and the polar caps to melt, which would flood the entire surface. This would rock the axis, causing the entire planet to become unstable and shake.
Then, force of gravity in the universe would pull the planet into thousands of bits, and the whole place would fall apart becoming an asteroid field. Cake!
Everybody dies, and no one gets hurt … except for everybody.
But then Michael saw something that rocked HIS axis … and her name was Shelly Bloom. It was like an angel had fallen from the sky. Poetically, that is. Mike got a quick glimpse of her as she stepped into the back door of the Cove restaurant. Yee-ow-za!
When most boys saw Shelly, all they saw was her raging hotness — long, sandy-blonde hair, long, sandy brown legs, big brown eyes, curves and a Cheshire smile that could light up the night.
But Michael’s not a human teen boy, he’s an angel. And what he saw was light. A radiant glow emitting beauty and goodness. In fact, she was the most beautiful creature Michael had EVER seen … it was a shame he had to obliterate her.
Michael never expected to have feelings for a human. He felt an odd sensation in his gut. Compassion? Conflict? Gas? This was a problem. Could she be spared? Where would she live? Human bodies can’t live in Heaven, and even if she died, her soul would wind up in lower-Heaven. It could take thousands of years for her to evolve to Michael’s level. Unless … is it possible she is an angel too, Mike wondered?
“No!” said a voice. “She’s just a girl. Regular human girl.”
“Who are you?” Michael asked, “And how did you know what I was thinking?”