In the beginning. . .
Michael knew annihilating every living creature on Earth wasn’t something you get called to do everyday… but when God asks for a favor, what are you going do?
Teen angel, warrior-in-training Michael Night was at the Academy of Attack and Defend, learning some righteous hand-to-hand combat (taught by Jacob, obviously) when he got the call.
Understand, getting a call from God isn’t THAT unusual here — it’s certainly not considered weird like it is on Earth. But normally when the big man calls, it’s for some group thing, so getting singled out for a mission from God was kind of big deal. Especially when you consider that Michael is only 10,000 years old (that’s a teenager in Heaven years).
But before we get too deep into this thing, let’s debunk a few “Heavenly” myths.
Pearly gates? Streets of gold? Angels floating around playing harps? Seriously? And where did the notion of everything being all WHITE and cloudy come from? Nobody sees Heaven that way.
So, what is Heaven like?
That question has no answer because the miracle of Heaven is this: everybody sees it differently. But, since you are human, and your tiny little brain MUST HAVE ANSWERS, let’s just say that Heaven looks like Park City, Utah.
Now, only God Himself knows for sure what happened that day, and there’s really no reason to speculate because nobody can possibly know what God thinks. But that’s never stopped anyone before so… here’s our version of “reality.”
Nestled in the valley of the beautiful snowcapped, Rocky Mountains, sits a palatial, rustic, log cabin estate known by the locals as “God’s house.” Apparently angels aren’t very creative.
The lush green meadow on which the home rests is flanked by a forest of sturdy evergreen trees. An eagle soars lazily in the deep blue sky. A brook babbles nearby. Just like Park City, Utah.
Inside the cabin, watching His gia-normous flat screen, 3-D monitor (a gift from Steve Jobs) sits God. God is like Heaven in that everybody sees “Him” differently, but for now, let’s just say He looks like Noah.
But, since Noah lived a ba-zillion years ago, and you never actually saw him, and there are no photos, that’s actually a really bad reference. Instead, let’s say he looks like Russell Crowe.
So Russell Crow- er, God is watching His big ass TV, which is set to the Earth channel, and what do you suppose he sees? War. Greed. Corruption. Hate. Duck Dynasty, Honey Boo-Boo.
No wonder God was fuming. He spent six whole DAYS creating that place, and now, a few billion years later, the whole things headed down the crapper! And even though He was sitting alone in the room, for some weird reason, He started talking.
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE OF EARTH?”
(When God speaks, its always ALL CAPS.)
“I GIVE THEM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLANET IN THE UNIVERSE AND INSTEAD OF APPRECIATING IT THEY DULL THEIR MINDS WITH THIS DO-DO?
You have to understand God hardly ever uses the “D-D” word, so when He does it means He’s livid.
“I AM VENGEFUL, WRATHFUL, ILL-TEMPERED GOD! AND ON THIS DAY I VOW; SOMETHING WILL BE DONE TO RIGHT THE WRONGS OF HUMANKIND AND NETWORK TELEVISION! SOMEONE FETCH ME MY MIGHTIEST TEEN ANGEL WARRIOR!”
Silence. I mean, the guy was alone in the room so who would respond? But that didn’t stop Him.
“SUMMON ME A MESSANGER. WHERE IS MOSES?”
“Moses is not your errand boy.” It was Mrs. God, calling in from the other room.
“If you want a teen angel to come to the house, you just put that thought in his head, and get him to come here his own dang self.”
She and God actually get along quite well; it’s kind of embarrassing you have to hear all this.
“Just use your clicker, survey the grounds, and find that boy.”
God fumed. He knew she was right (not that He’d ever admit it). So he picked up the remote, clicked over to the Heaven Network, and He began His search.
When Michael got the “thought” to go visit God, he knew it was a calling. He quickly injured his teacher to end the combat lesson, ran to the locker room, changed out of his combat clothes (which, ironically, ARE pure white) and he threw on his jeans, boots and cowboy shirt — but before he headed to God’s house, he had one stop to make first.